"God is never early or late..

He is always on time."

My boss spoke those words in church this morning and they pierced me.  I've always known this, but I've learned this lately.

I'll never forget the day. 

It was a September afternoon.  I had found my new favorite place to run, and was running four miles for the first time ever.  I had the Chris Tomlin station playing on Pandora and I was praying to God for Him to help me through it.  Once I got home, I continued to let Pandora play while I cleaned house.  After many songs that I knew and sang along to came the one that hit me harder than anything I have ever felt.  I didn't just hear the song like I did with the others, I listened.  To every word.  And it was then that I hit my knees and cried out for help. 

I had hit rock bottom and couldn't deny it anymore.

I needed Him.

Had this happened earlier in my "pit", I can't say that I would have listened because I was still denying that I needed any help, much less help from Him.  Any later and I probably would have already given up on thinking the Lord was actually there for me.

He was on time.  His time.  He knew what He was doing.

I remember texting my mom as soon as the song was over and told her that I had just heard the greatest song ever and that it was exactly what I needed in that moment.  I needed to know that He was by my side.

These words convicted me..

"Why are you looking for love
  why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
  to where will you go, child
  tell me where will you run
  to where will you run

  Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
  in the dead of night whenever you call
  and please don't fight these hands that are holding you
  my hands are holding you"

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Everytime I hear this song now, I see myself laying face down in my kids bedroom completely surrendering myself to Him.  Knowing that He was, in fact, by my side.  That His hands were (and are) holding me. 

Thank you, Jesus.

Desperate

I mentioned in my last post that I asked my aunt for help with understanding Mark 5:27.  I am a huge fan of my aunt's blog and how she always seems to interpret things beautifully so I knew I had to ask her.

The way she explained this verse felt like she was talking about me.  Here's this woman who has felt like an outcast for the last 12 years and "in her desperate faith she knew even the slightest amount of His power could heal her" so she risked everything to touch Him.

I spent the last seven years of my life feeling like an outcast.  I wasn't the "real" me, I wasn't the Sarah that the Lord wanted me to be.  I wasn't living my life for Him.  I wasn't seeking His will for my life.  I was struggling to fake it day to day.  All the while, the 'sugar coating' was slowly melting away.  When all of that coating had finally dissolved, I was left with nothing and began to look for something more. 

What was that something more?

It took me 7 months, a divorce, an unusual relationship, an 'almost' addiction, burned bridges, a move, and a job transition to find it.

I had finally become desperate.

Desperate enough to realize that the Lord would meet me where I was.

Desperate enough to let Him turn to me and single me out.

Desperate enough to let Him bestow His grace and mercy on me.

Faith

Google definition:  1. Complete trust  or confidence in someone or something. 2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

What does that word really mean?  I’ve been contemplating that over the last few weeks. 

The Lord has repeatedly sent me Mark 5:27 when I’ve asked for a verse. 

“When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak.”

The first 10 times I read this verse over the last few months, I didn’t get it.  I was on the verge of giving up and something told me to reach out and get help with it.  So I did.  I emailed my mother and my aunt for their takes on it.

 My mother instructed me to read down a little further and my eyes went straight to verse 34.

“He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.””

followed by verse 36..

“Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.””

That’s when I realized that this was going to about my faith

or lack thereof.

My life has been turned completely upside down the last year and a half.  Some things have gone my way while others have not.  Admittedly, I tried to take control of the ones that haven’t gone my way, which proves my lack of faith in what the Lord is doing in my life.  As they always say, when you hit rock bottom and realize that you cannot do it on your own, that is when you start healing.  I never knew and hoped to never have to find out how true this was, but alas, He had to get my attention somehow.

As Serena Woods once said, “God will do what He has to do to get you to REALLY see Him, what He’s done, and that He doesn’t play by our rules”.  Amen, sister.

I spent many many days in tears and screaming from the inside that I didn’t know where to go or what to do, but I never once hit my knees and asked the one person that knew where I was going or what I was supposed to do for direction.

 Shame on me.  I knew better. 

The Lord has brought me to the other side and I now have faith in Him and what He’s doing.  I no longer play by my rules, but by His.  I no longer spend days in tears screaming from the inside that I don’t know where to go or what to do, because I know He guides me. 

Because I have faith..