the wrong door

No secrets, I've had a rough day.  I've been in a sour mood.  I haven't been angry and I don't think that I snapped at anyone today (although I was awful short and ill towards one precious man and I hope he forgives me). 

I have almost felt depressed today.

It was a feeling of wanting to break down and I did just that as soon as I was alone in my car.  I couldn't figure out why.  I gave every possible scenario to my boyfriend, but it just wasn't adding up.  Nothing seemed substantial enough to make me feel that way.

I had a 30 minute drive after work that gave me time to think and analyze the day.  That's always scary to me.  I tend to think too much and over analyze way too easily.  Today, it was just what I needed.

I received a message from an old friend this past weekend.  One that mentioned my story.  I thought this was my chance to tell it.  Rough draft, yes, but telling it all the same.  To someone who knew exactly what I had been through and was there when it happened.  I got excited and nervous. 

How was I going to put this into words?

What would his reaction be?

Would it really be beneficial to either of us for me to do this?

I was so excited to "catch up" with this friend after several months of no communication that as soon as I got to work today, I sat down, gathered my thoughts, and began my email.  My thought process was, "who better to share this with than someone from my past". 

That's where it went wrong.  No prayer of direction was uttered.

It's part of the past that "Sarah" would like to say she's ready to deal with, but guess what..I'm not in control and the Lord knew I wasn't ready.  Knowing my Lord, I know there were many ways throughout my email that He tried to stop me, but knowing me, I didn't see or acknowledge them.  It wasn't until the second I hit send that my day went downhill. 

It was as if that black cloud of doom had taken over.  I couldn't concentrate, I struggled to laugh, I struggled to smile, I struggled to carry on simple conversations with some of my favorite guys.

I thought I was opening the door to a new chapter in my life, but in reality, I was falling victim to one of the enemies sick, twisted, and cruel games.  This friend of mine has done nothing wrong, but the experiences in my life that come along with this friend are what tortures me.  

I felt almost like I was on a game show where they give you three doors to chose from and I chose the wrong one.  I hear the "dum-dum-dum" of the music and the "boo's" of the crowd.  

How could I be this far off?

How could I not see this coming?

Because I wasn't letting Christ lead me.  I took this one on my own.  And as always, my precious reminder was on the other end of the phone tonight telling me, "when you get down like that, you just need to pray and read scripture".  If he only knew how much those words mean to me.

So, once my kids are tucked in and lights are out, that is where you will find me.  Praying and reading scripture. 

Regaining my faith for tomorrow. 

a story

I made the comment to my love tonight that we had such an amazing story that we'd be crazy not to share it.  He responded with, "I've been waiting for you to admit that you have a story to tell..".

No secrets, I was floored.

Me, have a story? Yeah right.

Truth is, I do..it is a story that is penned by Christ.  I am His "character". 

The best part about "my story" is that it is one that never ends.  The Lord doesn't experience 'writer's block', He doesn't wait around for something to strike an idea in His mind.  He knows exactly what's going to happen from moment to moment in my life and He's constantly letting those words flow.

I want more than ever to acknowledge that He is the author of my story. 

Christ is not only writing me the most amazing story, but he's writing me a beautiful love story while He's at it.  Yes, a love story that includes the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but it's so much more than that.

I am falling in love...

with my Lord all over again.

I thanked my love today for saving my life.  He said nine words that will forever be burned into my mind.

"Jesus saved your life..I was just the instrument."

The Lord is using this man to help write this beautiful and intricate story. He is indeed the instrument for Christ.  And he's so willing to be that.

The love of my life has helped me realize that I am not writing this story.  He has been a constant reminder of the greatness of my author.  And when I forget that I am the main character, he is there to remind me.

One day I hope to see the pages of "my story" clear enough to share, but for now, I'm enjoying the attention and love from our amazing Father in Heaven.

scars

I have always had a fascination with scars.  Even though I admit to not wanting to "know someone past the surface", I love the story that comes along with a good scar.

The love of my life carries with him a very prominent scar that tells an amazing story of faith and love for the Lord. I could sit and listen to him tell this story a million times over. As I looked at this scar last night, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness that he is still here. That he is here for me to love.

That he is here to teach me why I have my scars and how to embrace them.

I carry with me scars of new life.  These visible scars remind me of those 18 months that I carried and nurtured my two wonderful children.  For several years I was disgusted with them and would do almost anything to hide them.  I have learned recently that they are merely 'battle scars' of something that is nothing short of a miracle.  Now I am proud of them.  Without them, I wouldn't have my precious Sammie and my darling Mahlon.

I also carry a few invisible scars.  Ones that have made me the strong independent woman I am today.  Ones that the Lord has used to bring me closer to Him.  Ones that have truly tested my faith on a daily basis.

Some of these scars are from a past that I spent many years building walls around only to have someone with true love and compassion break them down and teach me that forgiveness is necessary.  That "forgiveness will set you free".

Some of these scars are from a "bloody hand to hand combat" that caused a death inside of me.  Death of an old life.  Death of a believing yet unfaithful daughter to my Father in Heaven.

This death also brought about a new life.  A life where I depend on the Lord for everything.  A life where I let Him guide my every step.  A life where I cry out for Him in the good times and the bad. 

A  life where I have become the believing and faithful daughter. 

undeserving

The last two months of my life have been nothing short of an undeserving blessing from my amazing and loving Heavenly Father.

I have finally found every single thing that I have spent my entire life searching for.

and I don't deserve it

at all.

I know the things that I have done in my past and the things that have been done to me that, in my mind, define me as undeserving.  The best part is that these things don't matter.  These things don't matter to Jesus.  His unending love, mercy, and grace have covered me.  

My list could go on and on, but to name a few..

I have been blessed with unconditional love.

I have been blessed with someone that really wants to know me.  Past the surface.

I have been blessed with someone who will not judge me.

I have been blessed with encouragement.

I have been blessed with someone who makes me a better mother..

a better friend..

a better Christian..

a better person.

I am so undeserving of all of these things because they are what I have always lacked.  My marriage failed because I couldn't love unconditionally.  The "surface" was all I was willing to learn about anyone.  I am guilty of being judgmental.  I am terrible at being an encouragement.  And I am willing to bet I am not the reason anyone is a better mother, friend, Christian, or person.

My faith in the Lord has provided me this man and his love.  The faith that my Father in Heaven would take care of me. The faith that His unending love, mercy, and grace would cover me and change me.