the wrong door

No secrets, I've had a rough day.  I've been in a sour mood.  I haven't been angry and I don't think that I snapped at anyone today (although I was awful short and ill towards one precious man and I hope he forgives me). 

I have almost felt depressed today.

It was a feeling of wanting to break down and I did just that as soon as I was alone in my car.  I couldn't figure out why.  I gave every possible scenario to my boyfriend, but it just wasn't adding up.  Nothing seemed substantial enough to make me feel that way.

I had a 30 minute drive after work that gave me time to think and analyze the day.  That's always scary to me.  I tend to think too much and over analyze way too easily.  Today, it was just what I needed.

I received a message from an old friend this past weekend.  One that mentioned my story.  I thought this was my chance to tell it.  Rough draft, yes, but telling it all the same.  To someone who knew exactly what I had been through and was there when it happened.  I got excited and nervous. 

How was I going to put this into words?

What would his reaction be?

Would it really be beneficial to either of us for me to do this?

I was so excited to "catch up" with this friend after several months of no communication that as soon as I got to work today, I sat down, gathered my thoughts, and began my email.  My thought process was, "who better to share this with than someone from my past". 

That's where it went wrong.  No prayer of direction was uttered.

It's part of the past that "Sarah" would like to say she's ready to deal with, but guess what..I'm not in control and the Lord knew I wasn't ready.  Knowing my Lord, I know there were many ways throughout my email that He tried to stop me, but knowing me, I didn't see or acknowledge them.  It wasn't until the second I hit send that my day went downhill. 

It was as if that black cloud of doom had taken over.  I couldn't concentrate, I struggled to laugh, I struggled to smile, I struggled to carry on simple conversations with some of my favorite guys.

I thought I was opening the door to a new chapter in my life, but in reality, I was falling victim to one of the enemies sick, twisted, and cruel games.  This friend of mine has done nothing wrong, but the experiences in my life that come along with this friend are what tortures me.  

I felt almost like I was on a game show where they give you three doors to chose from and I chose the wrong one.  I hear the "dum-dum-dum" of the music and the "boo's" of the crowd.  

How could I be this far off?

How could I not see this coming?

Because I wasn't letting Christ lead me.  I took this one on my own.  And as always, my precious reminder was on the other end of the phone tonight telling me, "when you get down like that, you just need to pray and read scripture".  If he only knew how much those words mean to me.

So, once my kids are tucked in and lights are out, that is where you will find me.  Praying and reading scripture. 

Regaining my faith for tomorrow.