The Fight

Over the last year, I've had some adjustments to make and some challenges to overcome. Some were easier than others. 

Living on my own for the first time in 25 years was one of the easier ones. Living on my own for the first time in 25 years with a 3 year and a 6 year old was a little tougher, but still on my easy list. 

The tough challenges are the ones that come from the inside. I've had to learn some things about myself all over again..

that not everything is my fault

that it is ok to have boundaries

that it is ok to love someone with every ounce of my being

that it is ok to be loved by someone with every ounce of their being

that I am loved by my Savior where I am and how I am and

that He's not done with me yet!!

Just yesterday, I fought the battle of insecurity. Insecurity that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or talented enough. Thankfully, I have wonderful people in my life that aren't afraid to call me out on it and to remind me that there are 24 hours a day that go by when the enemy will try to tear me down.

I sat in the church parking lot on the phone in tears with a precious friend while she prayed for me. She reminded me that this is a battle that the Lord has already fought and won for me.  Amen, can someone remind me of that EVERY day!? 

I am fighting a fight that has already been won, but yet I'm standing with my weapons. It's time for me to lay them down at the foot of the cross and let my Father in Heaven continue to fight for me.

I hear this song, on average, about twice a day, but when I heard it today, it finally sank in. Every word of this song fits my life perfectly. "Thank God, redeemed!"

Philippians 4:13

"If you have a close walk with Jesus, the devil will pursue you and do everything he can to make you miserable. If you don't have a close relationship with Jesus, the devil will not bother you. Why? If you aren't walking with Christ, you are walking away from him. Are you going in the same direction as the devil?"

The Lord's timing always amazes me.  After several tough days, my 12th grade anatomy teacher posted that on Facebook today.  I knew what I was struggling with, but reading that was confirmation.  

I haven't felt strong enough to deal with it.  I haven't felt brave enough to stand up to him.  I felt like it was easier to just believe what he was putting in my head and give up rather than fight for what the Lord has for me.  He was putting thoughts in my head that I knew better than to believe.

Thankfully the Lord has put me in an environment with people who love Him and are full of encouragement.  The minute I reached out for those prayers; the texts, emails, and facebook responses started pouring in.  I was completely overwhelmed.  People were encouraging me and strengthening me without even knowing it.  They were encouraging and strengthening me without ME knowing it!!

It wasn't until today when I read that passage that I realized I was ready to truly fight back.  I refuse to let the enemy have any control over me or my life. 

He'll never win that battle!

I was doing a little cleaning on my lunch break today when I felt this rush of strength come over me.  For the first time, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't intimidated... I wasn't backing down.  The Lord has given me this life and all of my blessings and I will not let him take that away.  I found myself standing my garage, broom in hand, singing songs I didn't know I knew and repeating scripture that I hadn't heard in years.  It was one of those "The Lord will fight for me, I need only be still" kind of moments.  

Christ still has control of my life and I will continue to keep Him my main focus.  I will continue to let Him fight for me.

I will continue to be strengthened by Him, because..

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

keep your head up

The boyfriend tells me that on a regular basis.  And while I admittedly roll my eyes at him over it sometimes, it always sticks.

I have had a million reasons lately to be angry, sad, hurt, depressed, and every other synonym that goes with that, but I have chosen to keep my head up.

I remember sitting in my Pastor's office telling him that I was tired of having to be the strong one.  That I was terrible at it and I couldn't do it anymore.  He began to speak the Word and encourage me and even though I can't remember those exact words, I remember a breath of life coming over me.  I felt strong and the thought "I can and will do this" and "I'm not going to let the enemy win" was being repeated in my mind.  I almost immediately had the image of myself standing on the top of a mountain overlooking all of these "problems".

Issues had come up that I never thought I would have to deal with and I was ready to face them head on.  With love and compassion instead of anger and bitterness.  With strength instead of weakness.

I conquered that week and felt like I had sprinted an entire marathon by the end.  And when I thought I would finally be able to get some rest, I was smacked in the face with more trials.

My babies came home last weekend and my sweet girl was sick.  I wasn't as concerned about her for the first few days other than to keep the normal meds on rotation to try to heal her.  My mother had already planned to come over and keep them since she was running a low grade fever.  Come Monday morning when my mom called, I had been up all night sick and was absolutely miserable.  Because I was the "strong" (and some might argue stubborn) one, I went to work and made it through the day.  At the end, I realized I was in bad shape so I took an uninsured trip to the Urgent Care.  I was immediately diagnosed with strep.

Great, now how am I going to be strong?

I spent that night and the next in the bed barely moving or speaking.  I was being tortured. 

My wonderful mother took Sammie to the same doctor the next day only to find out she had double ear infections, strep, and pneumonia.  My sweet little girl was more than just sick..she was pitiful.  And there was nothing I could do for her.  I made the decision in my mind the minute I found out that I would fight even harder to get better.  By that night I had made it out of bed and onto the couch to at least socialize and let her know I was here and ok.

I made it back to work the next day, still not feeling fantastic but knowing my job had to be done.  After finally getting back into my groove, I got a terrifying phone call from my mom that she was hurting and didn't know what was going on.  That was the first time I've ever purposefully hit 95 on my speedometer.  Pulling in my drive and having 4 fire trucks and an ambulance sitting there was not an easy thing to deal with, but I knew my babies were inside and I knew I had to keep my head up.

While it turned out to be nothing more than just a scare, it was the final straw for me.  I was telling the boyfriend about it over the phone and telling him how tired I was and how I didn't know how much more I could handle.  He reminded me that the enemy will always have these tests and trials for me and that the Lord will allow them, but it was up to me and my faith as to how I would react.

So, while I don't think I could handle anymore, I know that my Mighty and Awesome God can and will.  And that He will fight for me.  That faith in Him alone will help me to always 'keep my head up'.

Bring it..

the wrong door

No secrets, I've had a rough day.  I've been in a sour mood.  I haven't been angry and I don't think that I snapped at anyone today (although I was awful short and ill towards one precious man and I hope he forgives me). 

I have almost felt depressed today.

It was a feeling of wanting to break down and I did just that as soon as I was alone in my car.  I couldn't figure out why.  I gave every possible scenario to my boyfriend, but it just wasn't adding up.  Nothing seemed substantial enough to make me feel that way.

I had a 30 minute drive after work that gave me time to think and analyze the day.  That's always scary to me.  I tend to think too much and over analyze way too easily.  Today, it was just what I needed.

I received a message from an old friend this past weekend.  One that mentioned my story.  I thought this was my chance to tell it.  Rough draft, yes, but telling it all the same.  To someone who knew exactly what I had been through and was there when it happened.  I got excited and nervous. 

How was I going to put this into words?

What would his reaction be?

Would it really be beneficial to either of us for me to do this?

I was so excited to "catch up" with this friend after several months of no communication that as soon as I got to work today, I sat down, gathered my thoughts, and began my email.  My thought process was, "who better to share this with than someone from my past". 

That's where it went wrong.  No prayer of direction was uttered.

It's part of the past that "Sarah" would like to say she's ready to deal with, but guess what..I'm not in control and the Lord knew I wasn't ready.  Knowing my Lord, I know there were many ways throughout my email that He tried to stop me, but knowing me, I didn't see or acknowledge them.  It wasn't until the second I hit send that my day went downhill. 

It was as if that black cloud of doom had taken over.  I couldn't concentrate, I struggled to laugh, I struggled to smile, I struggled to carry on simple conversations with some of my favorite guys.

I thought I was opening the door to a new chapter in my life, but in reality, I was falling victim to one of the enemies sick, twisted, and cruel games.  This friend of mine has done nothing wrong, but the experiences in my life that come along with this friend are what tortures me.  

I felt almost like I was on a game show where they give you three doors to chose from and I chose the wrong one.  I hear the "dum-dum-dum" of the music and the "boo's" of the crowd.  

How could I be this far off?

How could I not see this coming?

Because I wasn't letting Christ lead me.  I took this one on my own.  And as always, my precious reminder was on the other end of the phone tonight telling me, "when you get down like that, you just need to pray and read scripture".  If he only knew how much those words mean to me.

So, once my kids are tucked in and lights are out, that is where you will find me.  Praying and reading scripture. 

Regaining my faith for tomorrow. 

a story

I made the comment to my love tonight that we had such an amazing story that we'd be crazy not to share it.  He responded with, "I've been waiting for you to admit that you have a story to tell..".

No secrets, I was floored.

Me, have a story? Yeah right.

Truth is, I do..it is a story that is penned by Christ.  I am His "character". 

The best part about "my story" is that it is one that never ends.  The Lord doesn't experience 'writer's block', He doesn't wait around for something to strike an idea in His mind.  He knows exactly what's going to happen from moment to moment in my life and He's constantly letting those words flow.

I want more than ever to acknowledge that He is the author of my story. 

Christ is not only writing me the most amazing story, but he's writing me a beautiful love story while He's at it.  Yes, a love story that includes the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but it's so much more than that.

I am falling in love...

with my Lord all over again.

I thanked my love today for saving my life.  He said nine words that will forever be burned into my mind.

"Jesus saved your life..I was just the instrument."

The Lord is using this man to help write this beautiful and intricate story. He is indeed the instrument for Christ.  And he's so willing to be that.

The love of my life has helped me realize that I am not writing this story.  He has been a constant reminder of the greatness of my author.  And when I forget that I am the main character, he is there to remind me.

One day I hope to see the pages of "my story" clear enough to share, but for now, I'm enjoying the attention and love from our amazing Father in Heaven.

scars

I have always had a fascination with scars.  Even though I admit to not wanting to "know someone past the surface", I love the story that comes along with a good scar.

The love of my life carries with him a very prominent scar that tells an amazing story of faith and love for the Lord. I could sit and listen to him tell this story a million times over. As I looked at this scar last night, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness that he is still here. That he is here for me to love.

That he is here to teach me why I have my scars and how to embrace them.

I carry with me scars of new life.  These visible scars remind me of those 18 months that I carried and nurtured my two wonderful children.  For several years I was disgusted with them and would do almost anything to hide them.  I have learned recently that they are merely 'battle scars' of something that is nothing short of a miracle.  Now I am proud of them.  Without them, I wouldn't have my precious Sammie and my darling Mahlon.

I also carry a few invisible scars.  Ones that have made me the strong independent woman I am today.  Ones that the Lord has used to bring me closer to Him.  Ones that have truly tested my faith on a daily basis.

Some of these scars are from a past that I spent many years building walls around only to have someone with true love and compassion break them down and teach me that forgiveness is necessary.  That "forgiveness will set you free".

Some of these scars are from a "bloody hand to hand combat" that caused a death inside of me.  Death of an old life.  Death of a believing yet unfaithful daughter to my Father in Heaven.

This death also brought about a new life.  A life where I depend on the Lord for everything.  A life where I let Him guide my every step.  A life where I cry out for Him in the good times and the bad. 

A  life where I have become the believing and faithful daughter. 

undeserving

The last two months of my life have been nothing short of an undeserving blessing from my amazing and loving Heavenly Father.

I have finally found every single thing that I have spent my entire life searching for.

and I don't deserve it

at all.

I know the things that I have done in my past and the things that have been done to me that, in my mind, define me as undeserving.  The best part is that these things don't matter.  These things don't matter to Jesus.  His unending love, mercy, and grace have covered me.  

My list could go on and on, but to name a few..

I have been blessed with unconditional love.

I have been blessed with someone that really wants to know me.  Past the surface.

I have been blessed with someone who will not judge me.

I have been blessed with encouragement.

I have been blessed with someone who makes me a better mother..

a better friend..

a better Christian..

a better person.

I am so undeserving of all of these things because they are what I have always lacked.  My marriage failed because I couldn't love unconditionally.  The "surface" was all I was willing to learn about anyone.  I am guilty of being judgmental.  I am terrible at being an encouragement.  And I am willing to bet I am not the reason anyone is a better mother, friend, Christian, or person.

My faith in the Lord has provided me this man and his love.  The faith that my Father in Heaven would take care of me. The faith that His unending love, mercy, and grace would cover me and change me.

"God is never early or late..

He is always on time."

My boss spoke those words in church this morning and they pierced me.  I've always known this, but I've learned this lately.

I'll never forget the day. 

It was a September afternoon.  I had found my new favorite place to run, and was running four miles for the first time ever.  I had the Chris Tomlin station playing on Pandora and I was praying to God for Him to help me through it.  Once I got home, I continued to let Pandora play while I cleaned house.  After many songs that I knew and sang along to came the one that hit me harder than anything I have ever felt.  I didn't just hear the song like I did with the others, I listened.  To every word.  And it was then that I hit my knees and cried out for help. 

I had hit rock bottom and couldn't deny it anymore.

I needed Him.

Had this happened earlier in my "pit", I can't say that I would have listened because I was still denying that I needed any help, much less help from Him.  Any later and I probably would have already given up on thinking the Lord was actually there for me.

He was on time.  His time.  He knew what He was doing.

I remember texting my mom as soon as the song was over and told her that I had just heard the greatest song ever and that it was exactly what I needed in that moment.  I needed to know that He was by my side.

These words convicted me..

"Why are you looking for love
  why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
  to where will you go, child
  tell me where will you run
  to where will you run

  Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
  in the dead of night whenever you call
  and please don't fight these hands that are holding you
  my hands are holding you"

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Everytime I hear this song now, I see myself laying face down in my kids bedroom completely surrendering myself to Him.  Knowing that He was, in fact, by my side.  That His hands were (and are) holding me. 

Thank you, Jesus.

Desperate

I mentioned in my last post that I asked my aunt for help with understanding Mark 5:27.  I am a huge fan of my aunt's blog and how she always seems to interpret things beautifully so I knew I had to ask her.

The way she explained this verse felt like she was talking about me.  Here's this woman who has felt like an outcast for the last 12 years and "in her desperate faith she knew even the slightest amount of His power could heal her" so she risked everything to touch Him.

I spent the last seven years of my life feeling like an outcast.  I wasn't the "real" me, I wasn't the Sarah that the Lord wanted me to be.  I wasn't living my life for Him.  I wasn't seeking His will for my life.  I was struggling to fake it day to day.  All the while, the 'sugar coating' was slowly melting away.  When all of that coating had finally dissolved, I was left with nothing and began to look for something more. 

What was that something more?

It took me 7 months, a divorce, an unusual relationship, an 'almost' addiction, burned bridges, a move, and a job transition to find it.

I had finally become desperate.

Desperate enough to realize that the Lord would meet me where I was.

Desperate enough to let Him turn to me and single me out.

Desperate enough to let Him bestow His grace and mercy on me.

Faith

Google definition:  1. Complete trust  or confidence in someone or something. 2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

What does that word really mean?  I’ve been contemplating that over the last few weeks. 

The Lord has repeatedly sent me Mark 5:27 when I’ve asked for a verse. 

“When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak.”

The first 10 times I read this verse over the last few months, I didn’t get it.  I was on the verge of giving up and something told me to reach out and get help with it.  So I did.  I emailed my mother and my aunt for their takes on it.

 My mother instructed me to read down a little further and my eyes went straight to verse 34.

“He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.””

followed by verse 36..

“Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.””

That’s when I realized that this was going to about my faith

or lack thereof.

My life has been turned completely upside down the last year and a half.  Some things have gone my way while others have not.  Admittedly, I tried to take control of the ones that haven’t gone my way, which proves my lack of faith in what the Lord is doing in my life.  As they always say, when you hit rock bottom and realize that you cannot do it on your own, that is when you start healing.  I never knew and hoped to never have to find out how true this was, but alas, He had to get my attention somehow.

As Serena Woods once said, “God will do what He has to do to get you to REALLY see Him, what He’s done, and that He doesn’t play by our rules”.  Amen, sister.

I spent many many days in tears and screaming from the inside that I didn’t know where to go or what to do, but I never once hit my knees and asked the one person that knew where I was going or what I was supposed to do for direction.

 Shame on me.  I knew better. 

The Lord has brought me to the other side and I now have faith in Him and what He’s doing.  I no longer play by my rules, but by His.  I no longer spend days in tears screaming from the inside that I don’t know where to go or what to do, because I know He guides me. 

Because I have faith..